Note from the Author: 1

This blog is almost a month old. I started this blog out filled with inspiration of sorts-from my previous notes to my feelings to even my memories. Mostly I think they came from my memories, I have so many good ones...but unfortunately I do want to block them out. It makes me think.

Don't get me wrong, I do like to sit and stare at the clouds all day. I'm a dreamer like that. I like the peace and quiet but they get overwhelming most of the time. Just recently I've been feeling more moody than usual. I am a very moody person, and I tend to snap at people a whole lot. I have friends, but I only consider a few close friends. I'm quiet and I rarely talk, but when I do I talk like I'm a bit beyond my age, but I act younger than I am. Usually, I do get tantrums when I don't get my way. It's how I cope.

It is exhausting to be able to feel auras radiating off people. I wouldn't call it a skill-I call it a curse hidden in a blessing. It's useful at times, because I can usually gauge people's reactions accurately just by looking at them. The downside of being able to absorb other people's energy: if they're upset, stressed or angry, I happen to get the same feeling. And it's stressful. When that happens my usually cool demeanor cracks and I snap at people, sometimes I even snap at my own friends. I can't help it. It's hard enough to control my own emotions but it's even harder to feel other people's disappointment. I feel guilty. 

No one really knows how much times I have contemplated suicide. I do stare at the razor a lot. But then again, I am too chicken to do something reckless, so I am still here, breathing and typing out my thoughts for all to see.

I consider myself a very realistic person, but maybe a bit closer to being cynical. I did, also, got my heart ripped out of my chest, but at least I finally got that answer I was waiting for after almost four years of playing mind games. Really, it's not nice to play with people's feelings especially if you gave them mixed signals to begin with.

Ah, but C'est la vie, I am used to all the misfortunes and heartache one can get. Maybe I had more than my fair share. But that's okay, at least I can honestly say that if the day gets worse it's not trying hard enough. Because I know with my luck, I never get what I really deserve. Life is unfair that way.