I had always known it was too good to be true. He had always given such mixed signals it was so hard to make heads or tails of what he was really thinking, but I knew all along I was, as always, going to be on the losing end of things. Right now my heart is broken and I can't breathe - I hate feeling like this but I can't help it - I am so, irrevocably, smitten. I am, unwillingly, in love with him.
Let me tell you a story: years ago, I had my future read through tarot cards. I know they may or may not be true, but when it was read for me - I was told I was going to meet a man whom I was a match for, whom I would never, ever get away from, whom I would never forget, no matter how many others come into my life. Back then, I thought the man whom I would never stop loving was the one who read my fortune - he was a friend I had met during the summer I studied abroad. I had a huge crush on him, but eventually, like all good things - my feelings faded away after a few years. We had never kept in touch, even though he is one of my Facebook friends. Of course, he was not the man.
I had my fair share of crushes and unrequited loves who I think may or may not be the man:
- I never told my high school crush I liked him when we graduated. Now I think he's just a lazy bum;
- My high school best friend, whom I had a crush on for 8 years, who didn't talk to me for 2 years because of my feelings for him, we made up and became friends again for 6 years, and my feelings faded away once I fell for someone else;
- My first ex-boyfriend, who was such a nasty guy that I'm glad I broke up with him, after a tiring on-again, off-again relationship; and
- My second former boyfriend, who treated me so well, but had flaws of his own that didn't match up to what our relationship needed. I broke up with him - but we're still on good terms.
Most people would think, upon learning the last one, would say he may be the man. He may, because I felt bad when I broke up with him, but I was fine afterwards. Like something was finally free from me. I loved him, but I didn't think he was the one I wanted. Or the one I needed.
In the back of my mind I so desperately wanted one man. Just that one guy, whom I fell for immediately when I met him. I loved his smiles and his corny jokes that came with his funny laughter. I loved the way he held my hand while we walked in the dark. It felt so natural to be close to him, every single touch, though new, was natural. I wanted him so badly that I was willing to get hurt over and over again, even if I knew full well he didn't like me that way. That he would never love me the same way I do.
He asked me a question once, that, I think, was the stupidest question he could have asked me. "If I was your boyfriend, and you weren't happy with me, would you leave me?"
I should have thrown back the question at him, asking him, "If I was your girlfriend and you know that I wasn't happy with you, would you still ask me that question, knowing that you know I would still stay?"
I'm just his best friend, I have no right to answer that kind of question. It was never us; he had been clear on that. It's my heart that refuses to stop loving him, stop wanting him. My mind is filled with his memories - from the moment we met until now, when everything in me is messed up and it hurts to live. From the beginning it was his fault because he gave out wrong signals to begin with. But when I misinterpreted everything he did, it became my fault that I had fallen in love with him, and he never would.
It's not fair. Life is not fair. I am already used to being on the losing end of things, but I can't just stop loving the only one who messed me up really good. The same way she has his heart - unwillingly, he has mine. Even if he doesn't want it, the same way she doesn't want his anymore. I want my life back. I want my heart back. But he is the Robin to my Ted and I know my life is not the same as the sitcom. It never ends the way I want it, I will never get the guy. I would always be there, just the "best friend" till the day I die.
And really, it's not going to be so bad, but I know that deep down, I will be dying slowly each day and none of my friends will understand. I know they all mean well - they want the best for me. But none will really understand the sacrifice I will be making just so he would be happy the way he wants to be.
I know he will never read this. Half of him wishes he knew every single one of my thoughts.
There's another story to this: when I turned 18, I went to Singapore on my own for my birthday. There was this tourist attraction my cousin who lived in Singapore brought me to: The Fountain of Wealth. In the middle of the giant bronze ring was the mini fountain that was said to bring good fortune and happiness to whomever rounded it 3 times and made their wish. I had only one wish in my heart during that time, and as I rounded the fountain with my hand touching the water, I closed my eyes as I said my wish and hoped for the best.
It's bad luck to say your wish out loud, because then, it will never come true. It doesn't matter now if I write it down now, as I know it will never come true. I only had one wish from the beginning and that will be the only wish I will bring to my grave.
I wished he and I would be together, loving each other, until the every end.
Let me tell you a story: years ago, I had my future read through tarot cards. I know they may or may not be true, but when it was read for me - I was told I was going to meet a man whom I was a match for, whom I would never, ever get away from, whom I would never forget, no matter how many others come into my life. Back then, I thought the man whom I would never stop loving was the one who read my fortune - he was a friend I had met during the summer I studied abroad. I had a huge crush on him, but eventually, like all good things - my feelings faded away after a few years. We had never kept in touch, even though he is one of my Facebook friends. Of course, he was not the man.
I had my fair share of crushes and unrequited loves who I think may or may not be the man:
- I never told my high school crush I liked him when we graduated. Now I think he's just a lazy bum;
- My high school best friend, whom I had a crush on for 8 years, who didn't talk to me for 2 years because of my feelings for him, we made up and became friends again for 6 years, and my feelings faded away once I fell for someone else;
- My first ex-boyfriend, who was such a nasty guy that I'm glad I broke up with him, after a tiring on-again, off-again relationship; and
- My second former boyfriend, who treated me so well, but had flaws of his own that didn't match up to what our relationship needed. I broke up with him - but we're still on good terms.
Most people would think, upon learning the last one, would say he may be the man. He may, because I felt bad when I broke up with him, but I was fine afterwards. Like something was finally free from me. I loved him, but I didn't think he was the one I wanted. Or the one I needed.
In the back of my mind I so desperately wanted one man. Just that one guy, whom I fell for immediately when I met him. I loved his smiles and his corny jokes that came with his funny laughter. I loved the way he held my hand while we walked in the dark. It felt so natural to be close to him, every single touch, though new, was natural. I wanted him so badly that I was willing to get hurt over and over again, even if I knew full well he didn't like me that way. That he would never love me the same way I do.
He asked me a question once, that, I think, was the stupidest question he could have asked me. "If I was your boyfriend, and you weren't happy with me, would you leave me?"
I should have thrown back the question at him, asking him, "If I was your girlfriend and you know that I wasn't happy with you, would you still ask me that question, knowing that you know I would still stay?"
I'm just his best friend, I have no right to answer that kind of question. It was never us; he had been clear on that. It's my heart that refuses to stop loving him, stop wanting him. My mind is filled with his memories - from the moment we met until now, when everything in me is messed up and it hurts to live. From the beginning it was his fault because he gave out wrong signals to begin with. But when I misinterpreted everything he did, it became my fault that I had fallen in love with him, and he never would.
It's not fair. Life is not fair. I am already used to being on the losing end of things, but I can't just stop loving the only one who messed me up really good. The same way she has his heart - unwillingly, he has mine. Even if he doesn't want it, the same way she doesn't want his anymore. I want my life back. I want my heart back. But he is the Robin to my Ted and I know my life is not the same as the sitcom. It never ends the way I want it, I will never get the guy. I would always be there, just the "best friend" till the day I die.
And really, it's not going to be so bad, but I know that deep down, I will be dying slowly each day and none of my friends will understand. I know they all mean well - they want the best for me. But none will really understand the sacrifice I will be making just so he would be happy the way he wants to be.
I know he will never read this. Half of him wishes he knew every single one of my thoughts.
There's another story to this: when I turned 18, I went to Singapore on my own for my birthday. There was this tourist attraction my cousin who lived in Singapore brought me to: The Fountain of Wealth. In the middle of the giant bronze ring was the mini fountain that was said to bring good fortune and happiness to whomever rounded it 3 times and made their wish. I had only one wish in my heart during that time, and as I rounded the fountain with my hand touching the water, I closed my eyes as I said my wish and hoped for the best.
It's bad luck to say your wish out loud, because then, it will never come true. It doesn't matter now if I write it down now, as I know it will never come true. I only had one wish from the beginning and that will be the only wish I will bring to my grave.
I wished he and I would be together, loving each other, until the every end.
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