Today is another day that I just don't want to do anything and all I want to do is to cry and I don't know why. I've been feeling lonely recently and it's getting too hard for me to cope up with it - I tell others I'm fine and that I wouldn't mind whatever my best friend does because he's a man and doesn't need anyone to look after him. I'm just his best friend, although I doubt that he still thinks of me as one.
He doesn't know. Sometimes knowing what's happening even if I don't see it already gives me a painful image imprinted in my mind. It makes me sad, because I miss the stupid guy. Others may love him now, just because he got buff, or because he's pretty flashy nowadays because he earns quite enough to get himself an iPhone 5. I wish he'd be a bit more sensitive to the things he does that he knows might affect me - I don't mind if girls like him, sure, he's pretty much a hottie and a perfect poet who knows how to make women swoon with words or music, but letting another girl who is "feeling close" with him and he lets her hug him (even if he barely knew her, and they aren't even friends at all) didn't make me feel angry.
Back then, maybe, I would've have made a scene. But I have more common sense to know that wouldn't get anywhere. I didn't get angry. I didn't get upset. I was horrified. I was hurt.
Very hurt that it just starts the trigger in my brain making everything difficult all over again.
I never got diagnosed with depression, but do I need to have a second opinion on how I really feel? There are days when I am pretty happy, then all of a sudden in the middle of the celebration I can't breathe, could not handle everything and my thoughts just spiral down and I want to cry - the "happy" girl missing, replaced by an ugly, wailing monster.
Today is a day I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't find any motivation to do things.
My best friend may have messaged me this morning, but all I felt was apathy. It's not my fault. Feeling like this is not my fault. Feeling extremely lonely and alone is not my fault. It's hard to pretend to be happy because he likes me better happy...I am not happy. I tried. I don't want to try anymore.
He doesn't know. Sometimes knowing what's happening even if I don't see it already gives me a painful image imprinted in my mind. It makes me sad, because I miss the stupid guy. Others may love him now, just because he got buff, or because he's pretty flashy nowadays because he earns quite enough to get himself an iPhone 5. I wish he'd be a bit more sensitive to the things he does that he knows might affect me - I don't mind if girls like him, sure, he's pretty much a hottie and a perfect poet who knows how to make women swoon with words or music, but letting another girl who is "feeling close" with him and he lets her hug him (even if he barely knew her, and they aren't even friends at all) didn't make me feel angry.
Back then, maybe, I would've have made a scene. But I have more common sense to know that wouldn't get anywhere. I didn't get angry. I didn't get upset. I was horrified. I was hurt.
Very hurt that it just starts the trigger in my brain making everything difficult all over again.
I never got diagnosed with depression, but do I need to have a second opinion on how I really feel? There are days when I am pretty happy, then all of a sudden in the middle of the celebration I can't breathe, could not handle everything and my thoughts just spiral down and I want to cry - the "happy" girl missing, replaced by an ugly, wailing monster.
Today is a day I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't find any motivation to do things.
My best friend may have messaged me this morning, but all I felt was apathy. It's not my fault. Feeling like this is not my fault. Feeling extremely lonely and alone is not my fault. It's hard to pretend to be happy because he likes me better happy...I am not happy. I tried. I don't want to try anymore.
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