It's been long since I wrote a 'note' like this on my blog.
This blog is more like therapy for me nowadays - I started this on a whim, inspired by all the books I read to (probably and hoped) impress my (now ex) best friend who runs a super popular book blog on Tumblr.
And lately, I'll be honest: I'm feeling more like shit than ever.
So many things have happened in the last few months. I try my best to forget them, but who am I kidding? My memory is pretty sharp: things that I try hiding, past memories, jump out at me at random times of the day. More frequently now.
I think I am sick. People will say that I should live in the present - think of the now. The past is past, and I can't change that. Of course I know that. But my head is still filled with 'WHAT IF?' questions; things that keep most people up at night unable to sleep - because in their waking world they never acknowledge the fact that the past never really leaves. Sure, I can live in the present - but after a second it becomes the 'what was' rather than the 'now'.
Isn't the present a nicer way of saying 'it what was, a second later?'
I don't have anything against people who live it up in the 'NOW'. Sometimes I'm too serious for my own good, because I have made too many mistakes with consequences I'd rather not repeat again. I live in the now...I live in the past. I live in three places at once, though more on the former.
I would like to admit that I am scared. Lonely. Human. I have quite a lot of secrets to tell, but so few people to understand. I feel like crying right now, and I know it's because I'm being stupid because I feel something.
I am scared. I like this guy who is kind of like a brother to me. We talk sometimes, and I ignore him usually - only because he's more flighty than I am. He likes this girl, then hates her, then likes her again. The same girl who took my (what I thought was really) friend, supporter - and made him a hideous, lying asshole. I know it's not their fault - maybe my friend was like that and was pretending for my sake. Maybe she really liked the guy I'm after, but is afraid to say so. Maybe I'm thinking too much that my brain hurts. I can't sleep and am sick - with flu, but I think my over thinking also caused it.
I want to be right sometimes, to tell the guy I like that I'm so sick of him (really) treating me like I'm just some toy - because I really, really, genuinely think he's great. That he's cute and funny and sure, he annoys the fuck out of me, but I love talking to him, that I find him interesting - that could he, for once, get his head out of his ass and realize someone loves him, really wants to love him in anyway: a friend, a lover, another little sister??
Anything.
But I don't know how to begin.
This blog is more like therapy for me nowadays - I started this on a whim, inspired by all the books I read to (probably and hoped) impress my (now ex) best friend who runs a super popular book blog on Tumblr.
And lately, I'll be honest: I'm feeling more like shit than ever.
So many things have happened in the last few months. I try my best to forget them, but who am I kidding? My memory is pretty sharp: things that I try hiding, past memories, jump out at me at random times of the day. More frequently now.
I think I am sick. People will say that I should live in the present - think of the now. The past is past, and I can't change that. Of course I know that. But my head is still filled with 'WHAT IF?' questions; things that keep most people up at night unable to sleep - because in their waking world they never acknowledge the fact that the past never really leaves. Sure, I can live in the present - but after a second it becomes the 'what was' rather than the 'now'.
Isn't the present a nicer way of saying 'it what was, a second later?'
I don't have anything against people who live it up in the 'NOW'. Sometimes I'm too serious for my own good, because I have made too many mistakes with consequences I'd rather not repeat again. I live in the now...I live in the past. I live in three places at once, though more on the former.
I would like to admit that I am scared. Lonely. Human. I have quite a lot of secrets to tell, but so few people to understand. I feel like crying right now, and I know it's because I'm being stupid because I feel something.
I am scared. I like this guy who is kind of like a brother to me. We talk sometimes, and I ignore him usually - only because he's more flighty than I am. He likes this girl, then hates her, then likes her again. The same girl who took my (what I thought was really) friend, supporter - and made him a hideous, lying asshole. I know it's not their fault - maybe my friend was like that and was pretending for my sake. Maybe she really liked the guy I'm after, but is afraid to say so. Maybe I'm thinking too much that my brain hurts. I can't sleep and am sick - with flu, but I think my over thinking also caused it.
I want to be right sometimes, to tell the guy I like that I'm so sick of him (really) treating me like I'm just some toy - because I really, really, genuinely think he's great. That he's cute and funny and sure, he annoys the fuck out of me, but I love talking to him, that I find him interesting - that could he, for once, get his head out of his ass and realize someone loves him, really wants to love him in anyway: a friend, a lover, another little sister??
Anything.
But I don't know how to begin.
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